RACHEL: - “How are you feeling now?”
ME:- “I generally use my hands!”
RACHEL: - “I’ve missed your wit and all round greatness and I am Sorry for what I did.”
(Rachel accidentally pushed me down the stairs in a fit
of rage over Jennifer Aniston and I have spent the last few months in a coma…
which is why it’s been a little quiet of late!)
RACHEL:- "It’s just I know how much Jennifer Aniston found you attractive and I couldn’t stand it, I should really have trusted you more !"
ME:- "Don’t worry Rach, I forgive you" *Winks eye*
(Don’t worry she’s made up for it if you know what I mean *Winks eye again* … yeah she made a really good Curry the other night so as far as I’m concerned we’re even!)
But what am I doing… how rude of me, I guess I should fill you in on what exactly went down with Ms Aniston and the Hair!!!
Let me set the scene, Rachel had gone to visit her mum whilst Dominic Diamond had his guys do our boiler (remember?) and I’d checked into the Bull and Gate for a couple of eves, as it happens Jennifer was shooting in the area and also staying. You join me talking to Bill Bailey over Ale.
BILL BAILEY: - “So I’m not entirely sure what happened after that”
ME:- “What do you mean Bill”
BILL: - “Well I ran at what I thought was my doppelgänger in the middle of Morrison’s Supermarket and then nothing… I was out cold, turned out that it wasn’t my doppelgänger but the highly polished side of the cheese counter”
ME:- “Ouch sounds a little bit painful Bill, I bet your head killed a bit after that too”
BILL:- “Yeah I took some Pethidine and laid down in a dark room with a cold flannel on my face and then I felt fine”
(Jennifer Aniston enters the bar and positions herself right between myself and Bill at the bar, my view of him now obscured by hair)
JEN:- “What’s that you're drinking there, looks a little bit cloudy”
ME:- “It’s Golding’s ale, it’s a bit pricey but it is good”
JEN:- “strange isn’t it, it’s pissing it down outside yet they charge you through the nose for it in here”
(Jen obviously implying that the beer looked like piss)
ME:- “You’re staying then judging by the bags ?, I’m up in room 7”
JEN:- “Yeah Room 8, ah I’m right opposite you, give me a knock if you want to borrow a sachet of sugar or some crap tasteless hotel biscuits won’t you”
ME:- “Crap and tasteless is just how I like my Biscuits… by the way I loved your role in South Park as Mrs Stevens the Choir teacher, I live with a ‘Stevens’ actually”
JEN:- “Yes it’s Rachel isn’t it from S club 7, sorry I know all about you guys, your guitar skills are legendary in the states and you’re a really gifted songwriter, but maybe I’m a little biased as I love’ Stoner type progressive rock’”
(Who knew eh!)
RACHEL:- "It’s just I know how much Jennifer Aniston found you attractive and I couldn’t stand it, I should really have trusted you more !"
ME:- "Don’t worry Rach, I forgive you" *Winks eye*
(Don’t worry she’s made up for it if you know what I mean *Winks eye again* … yeah she made a really good Curry the other night so as far as I’m concerned we’re even!)
But what am I doing… how rude of me, I guess I should fill you in on what exactly went down with Ms Aniston and the Hair!!!
Let me set the scene, Rachel had gone to visit her mum whilst Dominic Diamond had his guys do our boiler (remember?) and I’d checked into the Bull and Gate for a couple of eves, as it happens Jennifer was shooting in the area and also staying. You join me talking to Bill Bailey over Ale.
BILL BAILEY: - “So I’m not entirely sure what happened after that”
ME:- “What do you mean Bill”
BILL: - “Well I ran at what I thought was my doppelgänger in the middle of Morrison’s Supermarket and then nothing… I was out cold, turned out that it wasn’t my doppelgänger but the highly polished side of the cheese counter”
ME:- “Ouch sounds a little bit painful Bill, I bet your head killed a bit after that too”
BILL:- “Yeah I took some Pethidine and laid down in a dark room with a cold flannel on my face and then I felt fine”
(Jennifer Aniston enters the bar and positions herself right between myself and Bill at the bar, my view of him now obscured by hair)
JEN:- “What’s that you're drinking there, looks a little bit cloudy”
ME:- “It’s Golding’s ale, it’s a bit pricey but it is good”
JEN:- “strange isn’t it, it’s pissing it down outside yet they charge you through the nose for it in here”
(Jen obviously implying that the beer looked like piss)
ME:- “You’re staying then judging by the bags ?, I’m up in room 7”
JEN:- “Yeah Room 8, ah I’m right opposite you, give me a knock if you want to borrow a sachet of sugar or some crap tasteless hotel biscuits won’t you”
ME:- “Crap and tasteless is just how I like my Biscuits… by the way I loved your role in South Park as Mrs Stevens the Choir teacher, I live with a ‘Stevens’ actually”
JEN:- “Yes it’s Rachel isn’t it from S club 7, sorry I know all about you guys, your guitar skills are legendary in the states and you’re a really gifted songwriter, but maybe I’m a little biased as I love’ Stoner type progressive rock’”
(Who knew eh!)
JEN: - “Well maybe I’ll bump into you later then”
ME:- “yeah catch you later”
ME:- “yeah catch you later”
(Jen heads off upstairs to her room)
BILL: - “Bloody hell be careful there Jon, I think she likes you! anyway do fancy a Jack Daniels ?
BILL: - “Bloody hell be careful there Jon, I think she likes you! anyway do fancy a Jack Daniels ?
ME:- “Nah, think I’ll just have a whiskey instead cheers Bill”
I finish chatting with Bill about Who you would ‘Marry, shag, Kiss’ out of Courtney Love, Jill Dando and that ‘Dark haired bird from Coronation Street’ then head upstairs…
Incidentally we both agreed that we’d both shag
Courtney Love, probably best just to snog Jill Dando as we’d both forgotten
she’s been a long time dead, and we’d marry that dark haired one from
Coronation Street, just because she seems filthy and we’d have it on tap
As I turn my key in the lock I hear a voice…
JEN: - “How about one of these disappointing biscuits
then Jon?”
ME:- “ah Ms Aniston, well I’m not sure it’s a good idea
but maybe I’ll take some off your hands"
(I enter her room… that’s not a euphemism)
By the way Jen, I’ve always wondered do you use L’Oreal?”
JEN: - “No I actually use Timotei!”
JEN: - “No I actually use Timotei!”
ME:- “Ah, mountain fresh!”
JEN:-“Yeah I was actually thinking about washing it now
in the shower where I will also be completely naked and could use someone to…
scrub my back!”
I knew what she really meant ha, it’s just like those “come in for a coffee” or “Look at my CD collection” or “have you seen my Les Paul 59 reissue guitar with AAA grade flame top?” Lines
I knew what she really meant ha, it’s just like those “come in for a coffee” or “Look at my CD collection” or “have you seen my Les Paul 59 reissue guitar with AAA grade flame top?” Lines
ME:- Well here’s the thing (I knew I couldn’t cheat on
Rachel), I just can’t do it to Rachel, she’ll be mortified, and while I may be
an arsehole at times, I’m not a ‘Fucking Arsehole’, but if it wasn’t for that I’d
be in that shower quicker than you can say “$100,000 dollars a show” (That’s a
reference to her ‘Friends’ salary of course)
JEN: - “Shame, but oh well… I’ll tell you what when Rachel Dies from the car accident caused by the severed brake lines that are in no way suspicious, look me up”
ME :- “Will do Aniston… Will Do!”
Rachel becomes addicted to Breaking Bad and also loses the ability to turn off the bloody lights in the house, Ronnie O'sullivan moves to 'The HUT'… and Adam Buxton spends some time in his shed.
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