Rachel becomes addicted to Breaking Bad and also loses the ability to turn off the bloody lights in the house… and Adam Buxton spends some time in his shed.

It’s a lovely morning in Henley upon Thames, recently Dominic Diamond had our boiler replaced and I must say, this morning it was great to take a shower in regulated thermostatically controlled water for a change. I discovered Rachel asleep on the sofa last night, conked out in front of the 50 inch Panasonic smart TV that we have in our living room watching yet another episode of Breaking Bad. She’s become addicted to the series and is now binge watching them all back to back, as you join us she has just surfaced for her morning cup of Coffee!

ME:- “Morning, did you want a sugar in your coffee, manage to get any sleep in the end?” 

RACHEL: - “"Yo, Gatorade me, bitch"

ME:- “Oh Christ, I wish you’d stop talking like a character from bloody Breaking Bad” 

RACHEL “Sorry, I know it winds you up, I’m just being a cretin, so are you using the nice Al Jazeera coffee from Nescafe that I like ? 

ME:- “Al Jazeera coffee? … Do you mean Azera coffee by any chance sweets?”

(Rachel is mildly dyslexic but it hasn’t inhibited her rise to pop starlet status or impeded her ability to act as an official ambassador for Water aid UK)

RACHEL: - “ah you know what I mean anyway, this is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed…bitch!”

ME:- “Oh Jesse Pinkman will you shut the fuck up! anyway, I’m off down to get some more bread and also shooting into PC World if you need anything?

(I really needed to get some ADVENT ACAT61513 CAT6 Ethernet Cables on 30m runs as I’m installing some Raspberry pi’s to connect to our network drives so that Rachel can fall asleep in bed watching Breaking Bad and not drain the sodding electricity leaving the tossing lights on all night long when she falls asleep) 

RACHEL: - “If you’re going near the chemist I need you to get something for Danny!”

ME:- “What Dan Dyer?”

RACHEL: - “yeah”

ME:- “why can’t he go and get his own bloody drugs?”

RACHEL: - “Well it’s a bit sensitive really; Danny suffers from premature ejaculation, like he can’t go longer than… say 25 seconds!!”

ME:- “How do you know all this?”

RACHEL:- “Well he phoned me drunk the other night looking for you but you were helping Dave Gilmour set up his guitars again”

ME:- “Ah, I see, well I guess I don’t mind getting it seeing as I’m comfortable with my own performance, might even start some rumours”

RACHEL:- “Yeah you’ve definitely got no issues in that department, you’re pretty god damn amazing I must say”

ME:- “yeah well… those that can do, those that can’t….. Teach? , forget that last bit right I’m off see you in a bit”

RACHEL: - “oh actually while you’re down there, can you pick up ‘Aliens the director’s cut’ on Blu Ray please? It’s a great film and it might help ‘break up’ my Breaking Bad infatuation. 

ME:- Right ok, good call! 

As I move around Henley collecting my bits and pieces I run into Adam Buxton in the Town and we decide to go for a swift one in the Bull and Gate, on the way Adam treads in some Dog Shit. 

ADAM: - “oh for the love of god, I’ve trod in some Dogs muck.”

ME:- “Try wiping it on the grass over the road.” 

Adam tries wiping the ‘dog mud’ from his shoe on the grass but it doesn’t seem to come off easily. 

ME:- “Right get a twig from the ground and try and get the worst of it out then try wiping it again on the grass”

Adam Does this technique and it seems like there’s no school like the Old school and it’s done the trick! 

ME:- “So what are you up to later Adam?” 

ADAM: - “I’m actually doing a social experiment, I’m going to try and spend a week living in my Shed in complete isolation and see what the affects are” 

ME:- “That sounds... interesting, are you working on anymore BUG TV series?? 

ADAM: - “Nahhh” 

ME:- I really think you should mate” 

ADAM: - “Oh alright I probably will then” 

ME:- “Good Man” 

(You can see Adams ‘Shed’ experiment here: -) 

 

I Leave Adam and return to the Ranch, (Thought we’d give the B&G a miss considering the whiff) Rachel is asleep catching up on her ‘Breaking Bad zzz’s so I take the Opportunity to ring Danny 

ME:- “Alright Dan, how’s it going?” 

DAN: - “Yeah not to sad mate, oh happy Halloween by the way, ere... How lucky is Katie Hopkins.......Halloween is perfect for her......not a stitch of makeup needed.”

ME:- “You’ve certainly got a point there Dan, also I’ve got some pills here for you mate, you can grab them later if you like?” 

DAN: - “What Ket, E, Statin, Methodone, MDMA?? “ 

ME:- “Viagra Dan... Viagra!” 

DAN: - “Oh... you know then” 

ME: “Fraid so old bean but don’t worry, your secret is safe with me and Rach... and Adam Buxton” 

DAN: - “You told that fuckin Nonce? I can’t believe you man” 

ME:- “It just slipped out Dan, try and stay har... I mean strong, he doesn’t give a shit” 

DAN:- “you’re right, Anyway, Tonight I will be on the Gadget Show CH5 @ 8 O’clock if you’re interested...enjoy..If not...well...get fucked!” 

ME:- “Cheers Dan...Cheers”