RACHEL: - “Jon... Jon... Jooooon?”
ME:- “mmmeh?”
RACHEL: - “Wake up, there’s a problem with the iplayer”
On a Sunday morning Rachel loves nothing more than to
catch up on the iplayer and watch some stuff, mainly documentaries about
mountain climbing disasters but also some general crap, Graham Norton etc.
ME:- “What’s wrong with it then, is it not loading up?”
RACHEL:- “no it’s loading up it’s just all over the
place, like take for instance this, I go into the ‘Comedy’ category and.. well
Miranda Hart is in there..But ... She’s not funny???”
ME:- “Oh Christ, you’re right, there must be a glitch
in the code because ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ is also listed under comedy, better send
them an email and point this out before they start getting abusive social media
eh!”
RACHEL: - “It gets worse, I’ve found an episode of
Graham Norton from a couple of weeks ago and... well ‘One Direction are on
there and on the same bill so is Victoria wood”
ME:- “oh Jesus”
RACHEL: - “I know ‘One Direction are just a bunch of
talentless fucking jumped up pre pubescent fuck heads, and Victoria Wood...
When was she ever funny in the slightest?”
ME:- “I couldn’t agree more Rachel, but don’t worry
look, there’s a documentary about the last 50 years of Marshall Guitar amps”
RACHEL: - “Yeesssssssss”
ME:- “I’ll make the Coffee, you tee it up”
I make the coffee, and return to the theatre of dreams
(the bedroom)
ME:- “I bumped into Jack Dee yesterday, forgot to tell
you he’s just moved in round the corner”
RACHEL: - “What in the big old house with the nice
rockery on the front lawn, I saw the decorators going in this week, so that’s
Jack’s house yeah?”
ME:- “It is indeed, he invited us over for dinner soon
too, once he’s sorted”
RACHEL: - “Oh that’ll be nice, is he alright, did you
have get to have a good chat with him?”
ME:- “yeah I certainly did”
I’ll take you back in time retrospectively to part of
the conversation I had with Jack outside the Bakers in Henley
JACK: - “Jon bloody Archer, how the hell are you, why
aren’t you on tour like with Opeth or Steve Wilson or something, you’re too
awesome to fester doing toss all with your talent”
ME:- “Thanks Jack, you’re too kind, I just play... that’s
all I do, I’m recording a bit at the mo though so I’ll keep you posted, come
round for a listen?”
JACK: - “I’d bloody love to, so I’m just getting the
house together, redecorating etc, when it’s finished bring that pop starlet of
yours round for some dinner?”
ME:- “Thanks Jack that’d be lovely, so how’s the house
coming on?”
JACK: - “Well let’s put it this way... today has been a
real ‘News Agent Wine’ Fuck up of a day”
ME:- “Oh prey tell”
JACK: - “Well suffice to say that if I asked you for
the number of a great painter and decorator who can come round and make sure I can’t
open the windows or doors in my house for at least two weeks, I’d be taking a
step in the right direction.”
ME:- “that bad eh?”
JACK: - “yeah it is, although I’ve been getting into
Grand Designs for inspiration recently, last night was a real cliff-hanger, this
couple from Somerset had ordered some custom made windows to go in their Barn
conversion, the windows were horribly delayed, never looked like they were
going to arrive on time and winter was drawing in... then they cut to the add
break!, but it was ok, the windows turned up in time after the break and the
crisis was averted!”
ME:- “Thank the lord!”
I’ll cut back to the present time now, I’ve just made
the coffee, whilst doing so the phone rang and Rachel had answered it, I
thought it was probably either Jimmy Somerville or Mick Hucknall; those guys
always ring on a Sunday. I return to the bedroom...
ME:- “So who was on the phone”
RACHEL: - “Three guesses”
ME:- “Right it was either Jimmy Somerville, Mick Hucknall
or Christopher Walken”
RACHEL: - “No actually it was Danny Dyer”
ME:- “I see, what’s he up to then?”
RACHEL: - “He’s still worried that people think he’s a
massive gay”
ME:- “If he stopped calling grown men “babes” or “Darling”
then it might help the cause”
RACHEL:- “ I said you’d ring him later, he’s just off
to pick up some cheap DVD’s from the Co-Op at the petrol station, reckons he’s
seen Dirty Dancing for £1.99p !”
ME:- “That’s great value for money”
(Little did Rachel know, I’d picked up a surprise from
the Co-Op myself!)
RACHEL: - “Oh what are those?”
ME:- “Milky Way crispy rolls, picked them up in the
Co-Op 5 for £1!!!”
RACHEL: - “Amazing, but you know these go straight to
my breasts”
ME:- “well it’s a cross you have to bear... and you
should... bare it that is!”
RACHEL: - “By cross do you mean my Tits... are you
asking me to get my chest out?”
ME:- “You have a filthy mind... but alright then, in
your own time! Oh by the way I hear they’re serving Ferrero Rocher at the
Ambassadors Reception Later!”
RACHEL: - “When you say ‘Ambassadors Reception’ do you
mean ... Your Pants, and by Ferrero Rocher do you mean... Your Penis???”
ME:- “Got it in one”
No comments:
Post a Comment