Monday, 23 December 2013

RECORDING WITH DAVE GILMOUR




RACHEL:  “I can’t believe we’re actually going to do it”

ME: “I know it feels like it’s been such a long time coming, I think it’s definitely going to be worth the wait though, I actually really can’t wait   to hear you screaming at the top of your lungs”

RACHEL: “I’m fairly sure I’ve still got it in me”

ME: (I was going to make a joke about my penis not being in her at this exact moment, but the moment passed too quickly and I missed the opportunity so I said this instead)

“It’s going to be 3-4 mins approx. of absolute joy”

RACHEL: “I’ve been looking forward to it for so long now, do you think that Dave will use his whammy bar?”

ME: “If the track seems like it needs it, I’m sure he will” 

Rachel and I were due to go down to Dave Gilmour’s boat studio; it’s roughly a 10 minute walk down the track. Dave, Rachel and I are re-recording Rachel’s famous solo hit ‘Sweet Dreams My L.A. EX, doing a slightly more modern version but fusing it with Progressive rock undertones , as you’re probably aware Rachel loves her progressive rock/metal. If you’re curious about what Dave’s boat looks like then go here and check it out :-



ME: “Dave rang about 20mins ago and said drop down whenever, apparently he got steaming drunk with Dominic and Whigfield last night but surprisingly has no hangover.”

RACHEL: “Oh god is he still hanging out with Whigfield… Bloody bitch”

ME: “Come on she’s not that bad, I don’t mind her in small doses say for instance… on a ‘Saturday Night’?”

RACHEL: “oh you’ve gone too far now”

ME: “It’s just a joke my petit filous”

RACHEL: “I’ll let you off as it was quite witty”

ME: “ Cheers… although I’ve done better” (you really had to be there)

We were just rounding the last corner of what we call the ‘Bumpy track’ on the way to Dave’s Studio, Rachel had been practising her vocal most of the way and talking about the fantastic deals that Tesco have on for ‘Tiger bread Rolls’ for the rest of it.

RACHEL: “If Iiiiiiii were in your shoes, I’d whispeeeer before I shout”

ME: “Actually if you were in my shoes you’d have bloody wet feet as I’ve just stood in a puddle the depth of the Pacific Ocean”

RACHEL: “ Oh Christ, they’re relatively new suede desert boots too aren’t they, You’ll have to dry them out on Dave’s radiator”

ME: “Yeah they’ll be fine, I’ve still got a can of suede protector that I got in Sole Trader along with some more ‘wasp’ laces in the cellar.”

RACHEL: “Oh there’s Dave now, Hi Dave”

DAVE: “Hi guys, looking forward to it? Jon your boots look soaked, dry them out on my radiator and use some of my suede protector on them”

ME: “Dave I’ve got a can in the cellar, I’m good thanks”

DAVE: “Good man, by the way I need to ask you a favour Jon, could you possibly have a look at the floating ‘Floyd Rose’ bridge that I’ve got set up on one of my customised Strats?”

ME: “Of course I can, it’ll be a pleasure, are you sure you’re ok though, you seem a bit distracted?”

DAVE: “I’m alright, although… have you seen a blacked out ‘Subaru Legacy’ estate car on your way down here at all?, it’s a V6, engine increased in size to 3.2 litre and lowered suspension.”

ME: can’t say I have Dave, what’s up?

Dave: “Oh Roger Walters is still being a cretin, he’s trained his Labrador to take a shit on the steps leading up to the boat, the other day I went ‘ass over tit’ and landed back in it, and I’ve just discovered a fresh one on my rockery!”

ME: “I’ll keep my eye out for him Dave”

DAVE: “If you would that’d be grand!” 

After some hours of recording we had a few rough takes in the bag, it still needed a few more takes and layers, but it was moving in the right direction. The only real thing lacking was a ‘Power’ vocal performance from Rachel, we all know she’s capable of it but for some reason she wasn’t quite hitting it on this session. Sometimes it’s best to come back to it after a while so we thought we’d shelve the vocals for another session, mainly because the ‘tried and tested’ “Drink a couple of pints and hit record” had backfired and resulted in Rachel projectile vomiting Bulmers Cider all over Dave’s £45,000 SSL mixing console. Whilst Rachel was having a break I turned my attention to Dave’s Floyd Rose set up. 

ME: “Here you go have a feel of this and see what you think, I’m just going to check on Rachel” (she was sat on a deckchair on the …well deck)

DAVE: “Is she feeling alright?” 

ME: “She’s ok although she’s now talking about doing a cover version of System of a Down’s ‘BYOB’!”

DAVE: “You’re a bloody genius, this feels awesome, how exactly did you manage it again?”

ME: “Well Dave, The secret is to get the string tension balanced with the spring tension where the tremolo 
plate is parallel to the body of the guitar. I would stab myself in the face if I tuned to pitch and then adjusted the springs and then tuned to pitch and then adjusted the springs…etc. until it was right. You’ve got two variables that influence each other. You need to set one reference point which is where this procedure does it. I’ve been doing mine for years like this and it’s fast and easy. Detune the strings and loosen the springs (not to the point that the tremolo falls out). Then put a block of wood or stack of picks behind the tremolo block. The key is to find something that will position it in where the tremolo plate is parallel to the body. Tune to pitch; the block should be held by the string tension. I’d recommend stretching the strings a few times, retuning and then locking the nut at this point. Tighten the springs slowly until the block of wood or stack of picks fall out. You can fine tune the spring tension a bit to get it close, but at this point the tension is set for the right tremolo position and spring to string tension balance. Lock the nut and adjust your fine tuners. As far as setting the action at the bridge I would never do that with all the tension on there. A set of .09′s can put 400lbs of pressure on there. Those knife edges are hardened…most of the time. Why take a chance?”

DAVE: “Yeah I can see your point”

ME: “Indeed, Just pop a couple of the springs out when you do it, you can pull the tremolo out of the way enough even tuned to pitch if you are careful. It takes one extra minute to do it the right way. A little bit of lube on the edge is not a bad idea either.” 

DAVE: “I’ve got plenty of Lube so that’s no problem, picked up some cheap tubes off of Whigfield last night”

ME: “How was last night, sounds like you guys had a rather boozy one?”

DAVE: “It started off fairly harmless enough, until Whigfield insisted we played ‘Fuzzy Duck’ whilst drinking IPA out of Stein glasses!” 

ME: “She’s a fun girl isn’t she, just don’t rub Rachel’s nose in it too much, they don’t seem to get on, we were at ‘The Archer’ (our local pub here in Henley) the other night, and whilst I was talking to Dominic she was standing rather close to me, you could cut the tension with a knife, it was tangible” 

DAVE: “I’ll try not to; I wonder if I could tell you something that you can keep in confidence” 

ME: “Of course Dave, you know we understand each other well, we go back some way” 

DAVE: “Great because, I think I really want to run my tongue over Whitfields Tits!” 

ME: “Dave, we all do… we all do, but just remember that Dominic owns a gun” 

DAVE: “is it a Heckler and Koch?”

ME: “Nope it’s a Glock 17” 
(Find out what happens next + many other events in MFLWRS by keeping an eye on the blog…or subscribing… DO IT NOW) 



Dominik Diamond, The Boiler and Danny Dyer

ME:”ah these dark evenings are really starting to draw in aren’t they”
RACHEL:”Yeah but it’s nice to just have a cosy eve infront of the log burner, watching something like,
‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ or ‘The Unforgiven’ with Clint Eastwood?”

ME:” Good call on both scores! Let’s watch them later”

RACHEL:” Don’t forget Dominik is coming round soon to talk about the boiler”

ME:” ah yes, so he is”
 
DOORBELL: – “BING-BONG”

ME:”Bing bong indeed! That’ll probably be him now”

Rachel opened the door to reveal a very cold looking Dominik Diamond, who looked like he’d tried to ‘fight the cold off’ by having a few nips of scotch with his lunch.

DOMINIK: “alright there pal, right I’m rushing about a bit so let’s get straight into the boiler upgrade shall we?”

ME: “Yeah sure, cup of Coffee? Tea?

DOMINIK: “Coffee is fine for me ya wee bastard”

RACHEL: “I’ll put the kettle on then, take a pew Dom”

ME: “How’s Whigfield Dom ?”

Dominik forced pop sensation Whigfield who sung ‘Saturday night’ back in the 90’s to marry him during an episode of ‘Gamesmaster’ many years ago, if you missed it watch it here, or scroll down to continue and do it later ! : -



DOMINIK: “So I’m going to get the boiler upgraded as you know currently, as this is an old cottage you have a conventional boiler installed, now A typical conventional system incorporates a boiler and extended controls, a feed and expansion cistern, and a hot water cylinder (usually in the airing cupboard) which is often fed by a cold water storage cistern located in the loft, just like it is in this house, it’s a tad bulky and a pain in the ass to maintain”

Rachel entered the room with a cafetiere .

RACHEL: “Here you go guys”

COLLECTIVE: “Cheers”

DOMINIK: “ Right so I’m thinking about putting in a Combi boiler for many reasons. The major difference between a combi and any other type of boiler is that a combi eliminates the need to store hot water — so no hot water cylinder in the airing cupboard. It is both a high-efficiency water heater and central heating boiler, combined (hence the name) within one compact unit which usually sits in the kitchen or utility room, or sometimes in the airing cupboard. The space savings result from the fact there is no hot water storage cylinder, cold water storage cistern or other familiar components of a regular (conventional) heating system.

ME: “Sounds like a plan Dom, it’d be nice to have a regulated flow of ‘evenly thermostatically controlled’ water for the shower of a morning”

DOMINIK: “Aye ya wee bastard ya”

Dominik shifted uncomfortably on the couch, placed his hand behind his back, and revealed a handgun the size of a small island, before placing it on the coffee table.

ME: “Jesus Christ Dom, what the hell is that for?”

Dominik also rents another property to our Friend Adam Buxton next door, turns out Adam is a few weeks behind with the rent and so Dominik thought it’d  be really amusing to go round with a gun and ‘shit him up’ a bit.

ME: “Don’t take it too far though Dom, by the way what is that, a Heckler and Koch?

DOMINIK: “Nay, it’s a Glock 17, Designed for professionals, the GLOCK 17, in 9×19, is the most widely used law enforcement pistol worldwide. Because of its unsurpassed reliability, above-average magazine capacity of 17 rounds in the standard magazine, and its low weight, it is trusted by law enforcement officers around the globe. With our revolutionary “Safe Action” trigger system, the G17 9×19 pistol is safe, easy, and quick-just what you need in high-pressure situations.”

ME: “awesome”

RACHEL: “Jon (that’s me by the way), Danny Dyer is on the phone can you talk?”

ME: “yeah I should think so”

DOMINIK: “hey I’ll get off round next door then, I really only wanted to run the boiler idea past you and make sure you don’t mind a week of chaos when it gets installed, see ya later ya wee bastard”

ME: “yep alright man, catch you on the flipside yeah?”

DOMINIC: “eh?”

ME: “never mind, bye”

I took the handset from Rachel and whilst clamping it between my shoulder and face, poured another coffee.

ME: “hello Daniel”

DANNY: “Daniel? Have you turned into a raging homo you massive fucking ponce?”

ME: “ha-ha, sorry Dan, I forgot how much you hate your full name, so how did it go?”

Danny has just had an audition for a part on BBC one soap ‘Eastenders’, one that he was quite nervous about. Throughout most of Danny Dyers career he has often called me up for advice, I’m almost 100% responsible for the pain and suffering I have inflicted upon anyone who’s ever seen a Danny Dyer program or film.

DANNY: “well I have to tell you son, my bum was proper flappin yeah, I had to do a script read through and everything, thought I was going to turn my guts out”

ME: “but you got through it and that’s the main thing, I think Eastenders will be right up your street (pardon the pun), and I’m sure you will have come across fine”.

DANNY: “yeah but it’s like, proper acting and shit isn’t it! “

ME: “Danny Dan Dan Danny Dan Dan (I said in a consoling, soft but authoritative voice), It’s Eastenders…. you don’t need to be able to act!”

DANNY: “Cheers boss, you always know how to calm me down”

November

We had a bit of an Indian summer last weekend here in Henley upon Thames (or the HUT as myself and Rachel like to call it), it was a great opportunity to get the last bit of painting finished on the exterior of the house before the winter properly sets in.

“It’d be really nice if the kids in the garden across the river weren’t making so much fucking noise” said Rachel (she’s normally very well spoken but if there’s one thing that really pisses her off, its next doors kids).

“Don’t let them get to you” I told her as I went back to sanding the weatherboards around the back of the cottage down again.

(HERE’S A PIC OF OUR GARDEN): 
Image
“Do you need to sand much more hun?” she asked

ME:“Well it’s like my dad always says… you can take it off but you can’t put it back on again, so I’ll take a bit of time over it”

RACHEL: “I like your Dad, I’ve always found him quite attractive”

ME:“yeah it must run in the genes eh!” Rachel looked confusingly down at her pair of paint splattered Lee Coopers and back at me.

RACHEL “I’ve always preferred to run in my jogging bottoms as they are a little less constrictive and so better for most forms of physical exercise” , I decided to nod along and not point out the glaring error she’d made.

RACHEL: “have you still got to go down to Homebase?”

ME:”yeah probably sweetness, these brushes are shit” not only did I need more brushes but I also Knew that B&Q just opposite homebase were doing a deal on an Evolution-210mm-Multipurpose-Compound-Mitre-Saw for only £40 ! … Result.

The kids screaming across the river had turned to hysteria, as I glanced back from the ladder I could see that they had congregated by the bank, the small dark haired girl had fallen into the river and although the current wasn’t particularly strong that day, she was starting to get swept away, and although I wasn’t definitely 100% sure, could tell that she would definitely 100% drown if I didn’t save her, so I leapt into action…

As I ran towards the water only one thing flashed into my mind! ‘If I save her and look really awesome doing it, Rachel may possibly perform oral on me later’. I ran like a demon, ‘Splash’ the cold water doused my heavily toned torso and fairly well defined if not awesome biceps. I had also ripped my shirt off (mainly in a bid to look like someone from Baywatch, but I’d also snagged it on the branch from the weeping willow tree in the back garden and so had to bloody do it if I’m honest) As I took a breath and swam closer to ‘Screaming child’ I thought,’ yeah…Rachel is definitely going to put it in her mouth it’s almost set in stone’ Snatching the child up in my arms I swam back to the bank,

RACHEL: “Are you ok honey, give me your hand”

I reached out but quickly realised she was talking to the Small girl, so I turned the whole thing into a strange passing over manoeuvre.
A short while after the dust had settled and the neighbours had given me their adulation and a bottle of Asahi to drink, they thanked me and said goodbye.

RACHEL:”I’m running you a bath young man”

ME:”Superb, that’s just what I need, is Adam still coming around later?”

RACHEL:” yeah I think he’s working on more BUG ideas and then he’ll be over for some dinner if we’re still doing that?”(‘BUG’ by the way is a program that Adam writes and hosts)

ME:“Yeah of course it is, be great to see him, hopefully he’ll bring your Porcupine Tree CD back too and we can throw that on later” Rachel, although a pop starlet, is actually a massive progressive rock fan and likes nothing more than to throw on something by Opeth or Steven Wilson in the Eve’s.

BATHROOM:

As I entered into the bathroom I immediately felt relaxed, Rachel had put bath oils in, lit some candles and also got a bottle of Swarfega ready! , ‘bloody hell there’s some hard wearing lube” I thought not knowing what she had in store, after a split second I realised it was for the paint, I was still covered in black gloss and with it being a non ‘water based’ exterior paint it was going to take some shifting, and more than likely some white spirit if I’m honest. As I eased my way into the hot (but not scolding) water i breathed a sigh of relief, Rachel had a beer on the side too and we talked about the possibility of going to see Stewart Lee live next month.

RACHEL:”Adam will be here soon but I thought I might help you relax a little more… if you know what I mean?” Oh… I know what she meant, she’d finally found my CD of ‘Storm Sounds’ that I listen to when I can’t sleep… yes! ‘She gestured with her eyes between my legs’.

ME:” ahh I see, when’s Adam due over and do we have time?”

RACHEL:” soon but I think so” she said with a gleeful wink running her tongue around her lips,

DOORBELL: “BING-BONG”

ME:”oh yeah… We have time!”

 

Welcome !
In this blog I will regale you with an insight into my (fictitious) life with ex pop starlet, Rachel Stevens.
We live in Henley upon Thames in a lovely Tudor cottage overlooking the river in our back garden. Our neighbours include Adam Buxton from Adam and Joe fame, Dave Gilmour of Pink Floyd, Bill Bailey from… comedy and journalist and news presenter Jon Snow. We rent our house from Dominik Diamond, who used to present popular computing game show ‘Gamesmaster’.
Sometimes when I’m sat behind a sound desk at work in a particularly boring corporate scenario, I drift off into this fictitious land wondering if I’ve left the fictitious iron on, if I’ve locked our fictitious front door or possibly what delights Rachel will be cooking in our fictitious kitchen for our fictitious dinner, and now I’m going to share it with you…