Dominik Diamond, The Boiler and Danny Dyer

ME:”ah these dark evenings are really starting to draw in aren’t they”
RACHEL:”Yeah but it’s nice to just have a cosy eve infront of the log burner, watching something like,
‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ or ‘The Unforgiven’ with Clint Eastwood?”

ME:” Good call on both scores! Let’s watch them later”

RACHEL:” Don’t forget Dominik is coming round soon to talk about the boiler”

ME:” ah yes, so he is”
 
DOORBELL: – “BING-BONG”

ME:”Bing bong indeed! That’ll probably be him now”

Rachel opened the door to reveal a very cold looking Dominik Diamond, who looked like he’d tried to ‘fight the cold off’ by having a few nips of scotch with his lunch.

DOMINIK: “alright there pal, right I’m rushing about a bit so let’s get straight into the boiler upgrade shall we?”

ME: “Yeah sure, cup of Coffee? Tea?

DOMINIK: “Coffee is fine for me ya wee bastard”

RACHEL: “I’ll put the kettle on then, take a pew Dom”

ME: “How’s Whigfield Dom ?”

Dominik forced pop sensation Whigfield who sung ‘Saturday night’ back in the 90’s to marry him during an episode of ‘Gamesmaster’ many years ago, if you missed it watch it here, or scroll down to continue and do it later ! : -

DOMINIK: “So I’m going to get the boiler upgraded as you know currently, as this is an old cottage you have a conventional boiler installed, now A typical conventional system incorporates a boiler and extended controls, a feed and expansion cistern, and a hot water cylinder (usually in the airing cupboard) which is often fed by a cold water storage cistern located in the loft, just like it is in this house, it’s a tad bulky and a pain in the ass to maintain”

Rachel entered the room with a cafetiere .

RACHEL: “Here you go guys”

COLLECTIVE: “Cheers”

DOMINIK: “ Right so I’m thinking about putting in a Combi boiler for many reasons. The major difference between a combi and any other type of boiler is that a combi eliminates the need to store hot water — so no hot water cylinder in the airing cupboard. It is both a high-efficiency water heater and central heating boiler, combined (hence the name) within one compact unit which usually sits in the kitchen or utility room, or sometimes in the airing cupboard. The space savings result from the fact there is no hot water storage cylinder, cold water storage cistern or other familiar components of a regular (conventional) heating system.

ME: “Sounds like a plan Dom, it’d be nice to have a regulated flow of ‘evenly thermostatically controlled’ water for the shower of a morning”

DOMINIK: “Aye ya wee bastard ya”

Dominik shifted uncomfortably on the couch, placed his hand behind his back, and revealed a handgun the size of a small island, before placing it on the coffee table.

ME: “Jesus Christ Dom, what the hell is that for?”

Dominik also rents another property to our Friend Adam Buxton next door, turns out Adam is a few weeks behind with the rent and so Dominik thought it’d  be really amusing to go round with a gun and ‘shit him up’ a bit.

ME: “Don’t take it too far though Dom, by the way what is that, a Heckler and Koch?

DOMINIK: “Nay, it’s a Glock 17, Designed for professionals, the GLOCK 17, in 9×19, is the most widely used law enforcement pistol worldwide. Because of its unsurpassed reliability, above-average magazine capacity of 17 rounds in the standard magazine, and its low weight, it is trusted by law enforcement officers around the globe. With our revolutionary “Safe Action” trigger system, the G17 9×19 pistol is safe, easy, and quick-just what you need in high-pressure situations.”

ME: “awesome”

RACHEL: “Jon (that’s me by the way), Danny Dyer is on the phone can you talk?”

ME: “yeah I should think so”

DOMINIK: “hey I’ll get off round next door then, I really only wanted to run the boiler idea past you and make sure you don’t mind a week of chaos when it gets installed, see ya later ya wee bastard”

ME: “yep alright man, catch you on the flipside yeah?”

DOMINIC: “eh?”

ME: “never mind, bye”

I took the handset from Rachel and whilst clamping it between my shoulder and face, poured another coffee.

ME: “hello Daniel”

DANNY: “Daniel? Have you turned into a raging homo you massive fucking ponce?”

ME: “ha-ha, sorry Dan, I forgot how much you hate your full name, so how did it go?”

Danny has just had an audition for a part on BBC one soap ‘Eastenders’, one that he was quite nervous about. Throughout most of Danny Dyers career he has often called me up for advice, I’m almost 100% responsible for the pain and suffering I have inflicted upon anyone who’s ever seen a Danny Dyer program or film.

DANNY: “well I have to tell you son, my bum was proper flappin yeah, I had to do a script read through and everything, thought I was going to turn my guts out”

ME: “but you got through it and that’s the main thing, I think Eastenders will be right up your street (pardon the pun), and I’m sure you will have come across fine”.

DANNY: “yeah but it’s like, proper acting and shit isn’t it! “

ME: “Danny Dan Dan Danny Dan Dan (I said in a consoling, soft but authoritative voice), It’s Eastenders…. you don’t need to be able to act!”

DANNY: “Cheers boss, you always know how to calm me down”