November

We had a bit of an Indian summer last weekend here in Henley upon Thames (or the HUT as myself and Rachel like to call it), it was a great opportunity to get the last bit of painting finished on the exterior of the house before the winter properly sets in.

“It’d be really nice if the kids in the garden across the river weren’t making so much fucking noise” said Rachel (she’s normally very well spoken but if there’s one thing that really pisses her off, its next doors kids).

“Don’t let them get to you” I told her as I went back to sanding the weatherboards around the back of the cottage down again.

(HERE’S A PIC OF OUR GARDEN): 

“Do you need to sand much more hun?” she asked

ME:“Well it’s like my dad always says… you can take it off but you can’t put it back on again, so I’ll take a bit of time over it”

RACHEL: “I like your Dad, I’ve always found him quite attractive”

ME:“yeah it must run in the genes eh!” Rachel looked confusingly down at her pair of paint splattered Lee Coopers and back at me.

RACHEL “I’ve always preferred to run in my jogging bottoms as they are a little less constrictive and so better for most forms of physical exercise” , I decided to nod along and not point out the glaring error she’d made.

RACHEL: “have you still got to go down to Homebase?”

ME:”yeah probably sweetness, these brushes are shit” not only did I need more brushes but I also Knew that B&Q just opposite homebase were doing a deal on an Evolution-210mm-Multipurpose-Compound-Mitre-Saw for only £40 ! … Result.

The kids screaming across the river had turned to hysteria, as I glanced back from the ladder I could see that they had congregated by the bank, the small dark haired girl had fallen into the river and although the current wasn’t particularly strong that day, she was starting to get swept away, and although I wasn’t definitely 100% sure, could tell that she would definitely 100% drown if I didn’t save her, so I leapt into action…

As I ran towards the water only one thing flashed into my mind! ‘If I save her and look really awesome doing it, Rachel may possibly perform oral on me later’. I ran like a demon, ‘Splash’ the cold water doused my heavily toned torso and fairly well defined if not awesome biceps. I had also ripped my shirt off (mainly in a bid to look like someone from Baywatch, but I’d also snagged it on the branch from the weeping willow tree in the back garden and so had to bloody do it if I’m honest) As I took a breath and swam closer to ‘Screaming child’ I thought,’ yeah…Rachel is definitely going to put it in her mouth it’s almost set in stone’ Snatching the child up in my arms I swam back to the bank,

RACHEL: “Are you ok honey, give me your hand”

I reached out but quickly realised she was talking to the Small girl, so I turned the whole thing into a strange passing over manoeuvre.
A short while after the dust had settled and the neighbours had given me their adulation and a bottle of Asahi to drink, they thanked me and said goodbye.

RACHEL:”I’m running you a bath young man”

ME:”Superb, that’s just what I need, is Adam still coming around later?”

RACHEL:” yeah I think he’s working on more BUG ideas and then he’ll be over for some dinner if we’re still doing that?”(‘BUG’ by the way is a program that Adam writes and hosts)

ME:“Yeah of course it is, be great to see him, hopefully he’ll bring your Porcupine Tree CD back too and we can throw that on later” Rachel, although a pop starlet, is actually a massive progressive rock fan and likes nothing more than to throw on something by Opeth or Steven Wilson in the Eve’s.

BATHROOM:

As I entered into the bathroom I immediately felt relaxed, Rachel had put bath oils in, lit some candles and also got a bottle of Swarfega ready! , ‘bloody hell there’s some hard wearing lube” I thought not knowing what she had in store, after a split second I realised it was for the paint, I was still covered in black gloss and with it being a non ‘water based’ exterior paint it was going to take some shifting, and more than likely some white spirit if I’m honest. As I eased my way into the hot (but not scolding) water i breathed a sigh of relief, Rachel had a beer on the side too and we talked about the possibility of going to see Stewart Lee live next month.

RACHEL:”Adam will be here soon but I thought I might help you relax a little more… if you know what I mean?” Oh… I know what she meant, she’d finally found my CD of ‘Storm Sounds’ that I listen to when I can’t sleep… yes! ‘She gestured with her eyes between my legs’.

ME:” ahh I see, when’s Adam due over and do we have time?”

RACHEL:” soon but I think so” she said with a gleeful wink running her tongue around her lips,

DOORBELL: “BING-BONG”

ME:”oh yeah… We have time!”