Rachel and I spend the morning in Bed, Jack Dee watches Grand Designs, and Danny Dyer buys Dirty Dancing for £1.99

RACHEL: - “Jon... Jon... Jooooon?” 

ME:- “mmmeh?” 

RACHEL: - “Wake up, there’s a problem with the iplayer” 

On a Sunday morning Rachel loves nothing more than to catch up on the iplayer and watch some stuff, mainly documentaries about mountain climbing disasters but also some general crap, Graham Norton etc. 

ME:- “What’s wrong with it then, is it not loading up?” 

RACHEL:- “no it’s loading up it’s just all over the place, like take for instance this, I go into the ‘Comedy’ category and.. well Miranda Hart is in there..But ... She’s not funny???” 

ME:- “Oh Christ, you’re right, there must be a glitch in the code because ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ is also listed under comedy, better send them an email and point this out before they start getting abusive social media eh!” 

RACHEL: - “It gets worse, I’ve found an episode of Graham Norton from a couple of weeks ago and... well ‘One Direction are on there and on the same bill so is Victoria wood” 

ME:- “oh Jesus” 

RACHEL: - “I know ‘One Direction are just a bunch of talentless fucking jumped up pre pubescent fuck heads, and Victoria Wood... When was she ever funny in the slightest?”

ME:- “I couldn’t agree more Rachel, but don’t worry look, there’s a documentary about the last 50 years of Marshall Guitar amps” 

RACHEL: - “Yeesssssssss” 

ME:- “I’ll make the Coffee, you tee it up” 

I make the coffee, and return to the theatre of dreams (the bedroom) 

ME:- “I bumped into Jack Dee yesterday, forgot to tell you he’s just moved in round the corner” 

RACHEL: - “What in the big old house with the nice rockery on the front lawn, I saw the decorators going in this week, so that’s Jack’s house yeah?” 

ME:- “It is indeed, he invited us over for dinner soon too, once he’s sorted” 

RACHEL: - “Oh that’ll be nice, is he alright, did you have get to have a good chat with him?” 

ME:- “yeah I certainly did”  

I’ll take you back in time retrospectively to part of the conversation I had with Jack outside the Bakers in Henley 

JACK: - “Jon bloody Archer, how the hell are you, why aren’t you on tour like with Opeth or Steve Wilson or something, you’re too awesome to fester doing toss all with your talent” 

ME:- “Thanks Jack, you’re too kind, I just play... that’s all I do, I’m recording a bit at the mo though so I’ll keep you posted, come round for a listen?” 

JACK: - “I’d bloody love to, so I’m just getting the house together, redecorating etc, when it’s finished bring that pop starlet of yours round for some dinner?” 

ME:- “Thanks Jack that’d be lovely, so how’s the house coming on?” 

JACK: - “Well let’s put it this way... today has been a real ‘News Agent Wine’ Fuck up of a day” 

ME:- “Oh prey tell” 

JACK: - “Well suffice to say that if I asked you for the number of a great painter and decorator who can come round and make sure I can’t open the windows or doors in my house for at least two weeks, I’d be taking a step in the right direction.” 

ME:- “that bad eh?” 

JACK: - “yeah it is, although I’ve been getting into Grand Designs for inspiration recently, last night was a real cliff-hanger, this couple from Somerset had ordered some custom made windows to go in their Barn conversion, the windows were horribly delayed, never looked like they were going to arrive on time and winter was drawing in... then they cut to the add break!, but it was ok, the windows turned up in time after the break and the crisis was averted!” 

ME:- “Thank the lord!” 

I’ll cut back to the present time now, I’ve just made the coffee, whilst doing so the phone rang and Rachel had answered it, I thought it was probably either Jimmy Somerville or Mick Hucknall; those guys always ring on a Sunday. I return to the bedroom... 

ME:- “So who was on the phone” 

RACHEL: - “Three guesses” 

ME:- “Right it was either Jimmy Somerville, Mick Hucknall or Christopher Walken” 

RACHEL: - “No actually it was Danny Dyer” 

ME:- “I see, what’s he up to then?” 

RACHEL: - “He’s still worried that people think he’s a massive gay”

ME:- “If he stopped calling grown men “babes” or “Darling” then it might help the cause” 

RACHEL:- “ I said you’d ring him later, he’s just off to pick up some cheap DVD’s from the Co-Op at the petrol station, reckons he’s seen Dirty Dancing for £1.99p !” 

ME:- “That’s great value for money” 

(Little did Rachel know, I’d picked up a surprise from the Co-Op myself!)

RACHEL: - “Oh what are those?” 

ME:- “Milky Way crispy rolls, picked them up in the Co-Op 5 for £1!!!” 

RACHEL: - “Amazing, but you know these go straight to my breasts”

ME:- “well it’s a cross you have to bear... and you should... bare it that is!” 

RACHEL: - “By cross do you mean my Tits... are you asking me to get my chest out?” 

ME:- “You have a filthy mind... but alright then, in your own time! Oh by the way I hear they’re serving Ferrero Rocher at the Ambassadors Reception Later!” 

RACHEL: - “When you say ‘Ambassadors Reception’ do you mean ... Your Pants, and by Ferrero Rocher do you mean... Your Penis???” 

 ME:- “Got it in one” 

Rachel becomes addicted to Breaking Bad and also loses the ability to turn off the bloody lights in the house… and Adam Buxton spends some time in his shed.

It’s a lovely morning in Henley upon Thames, recently Dominic Diamond had our boiler replaced and I must say, this morning it was great to take a shower in regulated thermostatically controlled water for a change. I discovered Rachel asleep on the sofa last night, conked out in front of the 50 inch Panasonic smart TV that we have in our living room watching yet another episode of Breaking Bad. She’s become addicted to the series and is now binge watching them all back to back, as you join us she has just surfaced for her morning cup of Coffee!

ME:- “Morning, did you want a sugar in your coffee, manage to get any sleep in the end?” 

RACHEL: - “"Yo, Gatorade me, bitch"

ME:- “Oh Christ, I wish you’d stop talking like a character from bloody Breaking Bad” 

RACHEL “Sorry, I know it winds you up, I’m just being a cretin, so are you using the nice Al Jazeera coffee from Nescafe that I like ? 

ME:- “Al Jazeera coffee? … Do you mean Azera coffee by any chance sweets?”

(Rachel is mildly dyslexic but it hasn’t inhibited her rise to pop starlet status or impeded her ability to act as an official ambassador for Water aid UK)

RACHEL: - “ah you know what I mean anyway, this is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed…bitch!”

ME:- “Oh Jesse Pinkman will you shut the fuck up! anyway, I’m off down to get some more bread and also shooting into PC World if you need anything?

(I really needed to get some ADVENT ACAT61513 CAT6 Ethernet Cables on 30m runs as I’m installing some Raspberry pi’s to connect to our network drives so that Rachel can fall asleep in bed watching Breaking Bad and not drain the sodding electricity leaving the tossing lights on all night long when she falls asleep) 

RACHEL: - “If you’re going near the chemist I need you to get something for Danny!”

ME:- “What Dan Dyer?”

RACHEL: - “yeah”

ME:- “why can’t he go and get his own bloody drugs?”

RACHEL: - “Well it’s a bit sensitive really; Danny suffers from premature ejaculation, like he can’t go longer than… say 25 seconds!!”

ME:- “How do you know all this?”

RACHEL:- “Well he phoned me drunk the other night looking for you but you were helping Dave Gilmour set up his guitars again”

ME:- “Ah, I see, well I guess I don’t mind getting it seeing as I’m comfortable with my own performance, might even start some rumours”

RACHEL:- “Yeah you’ve definitely got no issues in that department, you’re pretty god damn amazing I must say”

ME:- “yeah well… those that can do, those that can’t….. Teach? , forget that last bit right I’m off see you in a bit”

RACHEL: - “oh actually while you’re down there, can you pick up ‘Aliens the director’s cut’ on Blu Ray please? It’s a great film and it might help ‘break up’ my Breaking Bad infatuation. 

ME:- Right ok, good call! 

As I move around Henley collecting my bits and pieces I run into Adam Buxton in the Town and we decide to go for a swift one in the Bull and Gate, on the way Adam treads in some Dog Shit. 

ADAM: - “oh for the love of god, I’ve trod in some Dogs muck.”

ME:- “Try wiping it on the grass over the road.” 

Adam tries wiping the ‘dog mud’ from his shoe on the grass but it doesn’t seem to come off easily. 

ME:- “Right get a twig from the ground and try and get the worst of it out then try wiping it again on the grass”

Adam Does this technique and it seems like there’s no school like the Old school and it’s done the trick! 

ME:- “So what are you up to later Adam?” 

ADAM: - “I’m actually doing a social experiment, I’m going to try and spend a week living in my Shed in complete isolation and see what the affects are” 

ME:- “That sounds... interesting, are you working on anymore BUG TV series?? 

ADAM: - “Nahhh” 

ME:- I really think you should mate” 

ADAM: - “Oh alright I probably will then” 

ME:- “Good Man” 

(You can see Adams ‘Shed’ experiment here: -) 

 

I Leave Adam and return to the Ranch, (Thought we’d give the B&G a miss considering the whiff) Rachel is asleep catching up on her ‘Breaking Bad zzz’s so I take the Opportunity to ring Danny 

ME:- “Alright Dan, how’s it going?” 

DAN: - “Yeah not to sad mate, oh happy Halloween by the way, ere... How lucky is Katie Hopkins.......Halloween is perfect for her......not a stitch of makeup needed.”

ME:- “You’ve certainly got a point there Dan, also I’ve got some pills here for you mate, you can grab them later if you like?” 

DAN: - “What Ket, E, Statin, Methodone, MDMA?? “ 

ME:- “Viagra Dan... Viagra!” 

DAN: - “Oh... you know then” 

ME: “Fraid so old bean but don’t worry, your secret is safe with me and Rach... and Adam Buxton” 

DAN: - “You told that fuckin Nonce? I can’t believe you man” 

ME:- “It just slipped out Dan, try and stay har... I mean strong, he doesn’t give a shit” 

DAN:- “you’re right, Anyway, Tonight I will be on the Gadget Show CH5 @ 8 O’clock if you’re interested...enjoy..If not...well...get fucked!” 

ME:- “Cheers Dan...Cheers” 

I Wake from a Coma, Jennifer Aniston brings her hair to Henley upon Thames, and I play ‘Snog, Marry, Shag’ With Bill Bailey

RACHEL: - “How are you feeling now?”

ME:- “I generally use my hands!”

RACHEL: - “I’ve missed your wit and all round greatness and I am Sorry for what I did.”

(Rachel accidentally pushed me down the stairs in a fit of rage over Jennifer Aniston and I have spent the last few months in a coma… which is why it’s been a little quiet of late!)

RACHEL:- "It’s just I know how much Jennifer Aniston found you attractive and I couldn’t stand it, I should really have trusted you more !"

ME:- "Don’t worry Rach, I forgive you" *Winks eye*

(Don’t worry she’s made up for it if you know what I mean *Winks eye again* … yeah she made a really good Curry the other night so as far as I’m concerned we’re even!)

But what am I doing… how rude of me, I guess I should fill you in on what exactly went down with Ms Aniston and the Hair!!!

Let me set the scene, Rachel had gone to visit her mum whilst Dominic Diamond had his guys do our boiler (remember?) and I’d checked into the Bull and Gate for a couple of eves, as it happens Jennifer was shooting in the area and also staying. You join me talking to Bill Bailey over Ale.

BILL BAILEY: - “So I’m not entirely sure what happened after that”

ME:- “What do you mean Bill”

BILL: - “Well I ran at what I thought was my doppelgänger in the middle of Morrison’s Supermarket and then nothing… I was out cold, turned out that it wasn’t my doppelgänger but the highly polished side of the cheese counter”

ME:- “Ouch sounds a little bit painful Bill, I bet your head killed a bit after that too”

BILL:- “Yeah I took some Pethidine and laid down in a dark room with a cold flannel on my face and then I felt fine”

(Jennifer Aniston enters the bar and positions herself right between myself and Bill at the bar, my view of him now obscured by hair)

JEN:- “What’s that you're drinking there, looks a little bit cloudy”

ME:- “It’s Golding’s ale, it’s a bit pricey but it is good”

JEN:- “strange isn’t it, it’s pissing it down outside yet they charge you through the nose for it in here”

(Jen obviously implying that the beer looked like piss)

ME:- “You’re staying then judging by the bags ?, I’m up in room 7”

JEN:- “Yeah Room 8, ah I’m right opposite you, give me a knock if you want to borrow a sachet of sugar or some crap tasteless hotel biscuits won’t you”

ME:- “Crap and tasteless is just how I like my Biscuits… by the way I loved your role in South Park as Mrs Stevens the Choir teacher, I live with a ‘Stevens’ actually”

JEN:- “Yes it’s Rachel isn’t it from S club 7, sorry I know all about you guys, your guitar skills are legendary in the states and you’re a really gifted songwriter, but maybe I’m a little biased as I love’ Stoner type progressive rock’”

(Who knew eh!)

JEN: - “Well maybe I’ll bump into you later then”

ME:- “yeah catch you later” 

(Jen heads off upstairs to her room)

BILL: - “Bloody hell be careful there Jon, I think she likes you! anyway do fancy a Jack Daniels ?

ME:- “Nah, think I’ll just have a whiskey instead cheers Bill”

I finish chatting with Bill about Who you would ‘Marry, shag, Kiss’ out of Courtney Love, Jill Dando and that ‘Dark haired bird from Coronation Street’ then head upstairs…

Incidentally we both agreed that we’d both shag Courtney Love, probably best just to snog Jill Dando as we’d both forgotten she’s been a long time dead, and we’d marry that dark haired one from Coronation Street, just because she seems filthy and we’d have it on tap

As I turn my key in the lock I hear a voice…

JEN: - “How about one of these disappointing biscuits then Jon?”

ME:- “ah Ms Aniston, well I’m not sure it’s a good idea but maybe I’ll take some off your hands"

(I enter her room… that’s not a euphemism) 

By the way Jen, I’ve always wondered do you use L’Oreal?”

JEN: - “No I actually use Timotei!”

 
ME:- “Ah, mountain fresh!”

JEN:-“Yeah I was actually thinking about washing it now in the shower where I will also be completely naked and could use someone to… scrub my back!”

I knew what she really meant ha, it’s just like those “come in for a coffee” or “Look at my CD collection” or “have you seen my Les Paul 59 reissue guitar with AAA grade flame top?” Lines

ME:- Well here’s the thing (I knew I couldn’t cheat on Rachel), I just can’t do it to Rachel, she’ll be mortified, and while I may be an arsehole at times, I’m not a ‘Fucking Arsehole’, but if it wasn’t for that I’d be in that shower quicker than you can say “$100,000 dollars a show” (That’s a reference to her ‘Friends’ salary of course)

JEN: - “Shame, but oh well… I’ll tell you what when Rachel Dies from the car accident caused by the severed brake lines that are in no way suspicious, look me up”

ME :- “Will do Aniston… Will Do!”

COMING SOON!!!!

Rachel becomes addicted to Breaking Bad and also loses the ability to turn off the bloody lights in the house, Ronnie O'sullivan moves to 'The HUT'… and Adam Buxton spends some time in his shed.